Missing, Hoping, and What Isn't Even Real

There is a blogger, Andie Mitchell, that lost 135 lbs. 

She has one post called "What I Miss From 135 lbs Ago," and the sound of it resonates in my head all the time, and I feel like for those on here that are emotional eaters, it is deeply impactful. 

I hear Andie's words, which I discovered years ago, every time I think to myself, “Do I really think I can be happy without always having permission to have whatever I want? Do I really think I can sustain saying no to cupcakes?” Even just now I was thinking to myself "I'm going to MISS cereal. Is it really gone.... forever?" 

I think about how much I love to bake and love what I bake, and the power to treat myself whenever I’ve got the time and the ambition and the ingredients (which is always). I think about the sincere and profound joy that going out to eat and ordering to my heart's content brings me. I think of cookies and cupcakes and beautiful party foods, and holidays made of full tables and full plates and full bellies. 

And I wonder… can I be happy seeing all of those things differently? Really?

And I, honestly every time, hear her say (in what I imagine to be her voice, speaking directly to me) of missing "the reckless abandon." And I realize that the missing is part of it-- that the missing isn't a unique and unbearable experience to rescue myself from. 

And I remember that what I think I’m giving up was never real life. It was never any more than an illusion. And it isn’t happiness. The third cupcake, the biggest slice of cake, and the fresh bread at the bakery (eaten while still warm, nearly in its entirety, in the car on the way home to make dinner) were never mine to have. Even when I had them.

And they were always sneakily cruel to me. Ultimately those moments were stealing the happiness out of so many other moments to come.

But I will miss having no idea how many carbs I’ve consumed, I’ll miss the not caring. I’ll miss it all as if it was all a beautiful dream, but in exchange what I want is a real life.

(much of this is a comment that I posted on the blog post I'm referencing).