A few times through these months I had the thought that my prodigal ways would need to end soon, but never could I say I was ready to get back to business. Even though I knew my first month back on track would render fantastic results. Even though I knew my sugary choices were the source of my general feeling of unwellness. Even though I knew what was driving me to my choices was really the root of sin and indulgence. Even though time after time, as it has my WHOLE life, giving in to the donut, the cookie, the cheesecake was never quite as amazing as I had hoped, and the pain of regret and disappointment in myself greater in portion than the joy of the moment.
It is about truth because I knew this truth. I knew that all the hopes I would heap into my sinful lunch were false: that it would turn a bad day around, that it would change my outlook, that it would be a thrilling vacation from my lame situation. Deep down I knew that the truth was I'd be let down, that it wouldn't be as good as I'd hoped and even if it was, it wouldn't quite do the trick.
It is about fulfillment because good food is wonderful but it is not fulfilling. And coming from me that is quite a statement. Few of you realize how much I adore good (really good) food. I read cook books. I have two magazine subscriptions for the tips and recipes. Im a snob, and will reject mediocre food, but when I'm having a really killer cheesecake or a mind-blowing Alfredo or a steak that I will one day tell my grand kids about, I am in heaven. Literally I leave earth for a second. All of that to say, even amazingness of whatever it is, after the last bite I always feel a sense of "that was it?" It is like a roller coaster that is always too short, which makes you just want to get back in line.
It is about the human journey because life is all about realizing how short lived the things of earth are, and the denial of self and of temporary happiness for future and lasting joy. In Christ, to take up our cross we have to first lay down our will. In family, we must set aside ourselves for the sake of the feelings, needs, and futures of those we love and for the good of the relationship. In life, we cannot expect to have enduring joy if instead we willingly place our hope and happiness in things that quickly let us down.
Add to my weight gain the fact that I have basically felt like garbage for the past few months. Back pain, tiredness, sensitive emotions, reluctance to socialize, and many other things. I willingly endured these things, these avoidable issues, because I was afraid of taking discipline back on and missing out on the next good (no I'm not kidding) sweet treat or fun dinner or free lunch. I think of getting back on track and all the good that comes with that, but the first thing in my head are all the little things I have to give up. WHAT? It is like a "better the devil you know" argument in my mind, and I keep choosing wrong. It is the nutritional equivalent of living on credit and being in debt rather than saving up for the future. It is foolish.
"No food tastes better than being thin feels" they say. I wouldn't know. I have never been thin as an adult. I don't know that I'll ever be "thin." But I know that it is worth the sacrifice, each time, to know I am going the right thing and choosing a higher path, and that in principle I'm making life decisions that follow what Christ would have me do.
