So, it has been a while and I blame school for that. Thankfully, that is now over and I’m moving to a new phase in my life. That sounds a lot more like I know what on earth I’m doing, but I do not. But for once I’m a little bit ok with that. Not a lot ok, but a little, and that is something. So, my news is that I’ve officially lost a total of 50 lbs since beginning my journey. In addition I’ve completed my Master’s degree, turned 30, and started escrow on my first home. November, needless to say, is a month of transition this year.
I’m most definitely not bragging, because every one of these things brings with it a scoop of uncertainty. So I’ve finished school: now what? I’m not even entirely sure what I’m qualified to do. So, I’ve lost half of my excess weight: now what? From this point it will take a different flavor of determination to get through the rest of the journey. So I’ve turned 30: so? What is the rest of my life going to be, now that I’m through the “prep” period of life and into the part where I’m supposed to be functioning based on that preparation? Our condo is in escrow: now what? I have no idea. The purchase process is a convoluted mystery.
The point is, these aren’t necessarily accomplishments, but turning points. I feel like I’ve been walking a steep mountain path and have just crested the hill and yet still cannot see what lies ahead for the trees and the fog. For all I know it could be more mountain. Where am I going? I don’t know—honestly I’m not even sure what I want the rest of this to look like. I know I’m tired of struggling, and have a lot of fears about the future and what it could hold. I need to pray for God to provide me a new job and a new passion for what I do with my day. I know we aren’t supposed to find fulfillment on earth, but I need to sense that I’m contributing in a way that uses what I am good at and what brings me joy.
Weight-loss-wise, I’m at an interesting place. I do not by any means feel skinny, and I still see all my faults when I look in the mirror, but I have reached a point where I am not afraid of cameras, and I can have a happy and relaxed conversation without worrying if the other person thinks I’m disgusting. I also don’t wonder why on earth they are talking to me as I conjure up a negative image of myself while I talk to them. That is pretty major. I have a general sense of normalcy, and am relaxed and at home in my own skin. That is a huge deal for me. I don’t constantly tug at my shirts and hide behind things like I once did. I don’t avoid occasions because I don’t know what to wear. I also feel like I see a genuine beauty in people that I didn’t see before—at least not very often. I feel like my personal space bubble is a little bigger and not just because I fill 50 lbs less of it.
I like how things are going so far with my 30’s, though I’ve only been here for a few days. There is more change to come, with work and moving and all, and I’m confident they are all good changes. Here’s to my next 30.
