Worth It

Every day... EVERY DAY....  I have the thought, “Why is it taking so long for me? Why do some have their bodies transform in a month or 2, and yet my progress is so gradual?”


And I have to say back, every day, that the path is still worth it. 


When I reach my goal, even if it takes me a year or more, it won’t be worth less to me than if it happened over night. It might be more precious to me, in fact. I won’t loath the slowness then, will I? How absurd that would be! I won't look down at my new self and say "What took you so long?!" (except, maybe, when I think of all the wasted years that came long before). 


No. I'll say to myself, "At last."


I’ll only celebrate the victory.


This is just a little dose of encouragement in the “loving the process as much as the results” battle. Every time I step on the scale and I'm not where I used to be, even if I'm not where I want to be yet, and even if I'm not as far as I'd hoped yet, I have to conciously love how far I’ve come. Even when I'm only a third of the way to my goal. I'm doing it. It's happening.


Just. Keep. Going.


Moreover, I repeat to myself daily that even if I never lost another pound (not likely - I have a lot I can still lose!), I am happy with how I eat, how I feel, and what I know I'm doing for my future self who will one day inherit this body. Even if what I have now is all I get out of living this new way, it is still worth doing. 

Missing, Hoping, and What Isn't Even Real

There is a blogger, Andie Mitchell, that lost 135 lbs. 

She has one post called "What I Miss From 135 lbs Ago," and the sound of it resonates in my head all the time, and I feel like for those on here that are emotional eaters, it is deeply impactful. 

I hear Andie's words, which I discovered years ago, every time I think to myself, “Do I really think I can be happy without always having permission to have whatever I want? Do I really think I can sustain saying no to cupcakes?” Even just now I was thinking to myself "I'm going to MISS cereal. Is it really gone.... forever?" 

I think about how much I love to bake and love what I bake, and the power to treat myself whenever I’ve got the time and the ambition and the ingredients (which is always). I think about the sincere and profound joy that going out to eat and ordering to my heart's content brings me. I think of cookies and cupcakes and beautiful party foods, and holidays made of full tables and full plates and full bellies. 

And I wonder… can I be happy seeing all of those things differently? Really?

And I, honestly every time, hear her say (in what I imagine to be her voice, speaking directly to me) of missing "the reckless abandon." And I realize that the missing is part of it-- that the missing isn't a unique and unbearable experience to rescue myself from. 

And I remember that what I think I’m giving up was never real life. It was never any more than an illusion. And it isn’t happiness. The third cupcake, the biggest slice of cake, and the fresh bread at the bakery (eaten while still warm, nearly in its entirety, in the car on the way home to make dinner) were never mine to have. Even when I had them.

And they were always sneakily cruel to me. Ultimately those moments were stealing the happiness out of so many other moments to come.

But I will miss having no idea how many carbs I’ve consumed, I’ll miss the not caring. I’ll miss it all as if it was all a beautiful dream, but in exchange what I want is a real life.

(much of this is a comment that I posted on the blog post I'm referencing).

Backstreet's Back... Alright!

Stupid title. Sorry. Whatever. 

How about another round of "I just re-read my blog and feel like a loser?"

I'm 34, we did not end up buying that house or any other house. I didn't successfully rejoin Medifast, and dang am I happy I didn't. I did, however, spend the last 3 years in the "desert" I talked about. 

Funny thing about the Hebrews in the desert-- they didn't go back to the Promised Land. That's a little nuance I forgot. They all died off. God allowed the NEXT generation into the Promised Land because of the lack of faith in the previous generation. There's a dying to self metaphor there, but I'll leave it all there for now. 

So what happened in the last 3 years? A lot. 

The job I had that made me crazy stressed and feel worthless all the time came to an end (I got canned, by God's grace and mercy). I got a long overdue break. I started working for a boss and in a job that is not only well suited for me, but calls on my specific skill set. It also is building life into me in ways that are hard to explain. Imagine that a perk of your job was a highly skilled life coach, and that life coach was also your boss.

I continued my hobby in studying and researching nutrition-- Paleo, Keto, etc.-- and applying little to none of it. Why? I like pancakes, I guess. And pasta. And feeling like garbage, apparently. 

Full disclosure, I literally just went through and commented on my blog posts because it frustrated me a lot. Not frustrated at me now. Frustrated by how narrow my understanding of things was, and how darned hard I was on myself for not having willpower. You know what? I don't think there is such thing as willpower. I don't. There are a million factors nutritionally, physically, physiologically, emotionally, pychologically that go into food choices. Willpower is at best short, infrequent, unpredictable, unreliable, and subjective. It always runs out, and when it does, you fall on old understandings. 

So I'm at the beginning again, kind of. I'm knocking on 30 lbs lost since February through a way of eating that is based on the real needs of the body and the nutrition we are designed to thrive on. Bonus, the things that rob me of health? They actually taste kind of weird now that I've been off of them for a few months. They make me feel gross and sick, and I don't just avoid harmful foods out of sheer and non-existent willpower. I avoid them because of the harm I feel. 

And for the first time, each and every choice I make shows up on the scale. I have never been able to say that before.

I have posted some cool stuff on a group page, and I plan to re-post them here in time. 

Here's to taking care of myself in the ways that matter, and weightloss being a natural byproduct rather than the thing I punish myself to obtain.