Backstreet's Back... Alright!

Stupid title. Sorry. Whatever. 

How about another round of "I just re-read my blog and feel like a loser?"

I'm 34, we did not end up buying that house or any other house. I didn't successfully rejoin Medifast, and dang am I happy I didn't. I did, however, spend the last 3 years in the "desert" I talked about. 

Funny thing about the Hebrews in the desert-- they didn't go back to the Promised Land. That's a little nuance I forgot. They all died off. God allowed the NEXT generation into the Promised Land because of the lack of faith in the previous generation. There's a dying to self metaphor there, but I'll leave it all there for now. 

So what happened in the last 3 years? A lot. 

The job I had that made me crazy stressed and feel worthless all the time came to an end (I got canned, by God's grace and mercy). I got a long overdue break. I started working for a boss and in a job that is not only well suited for me, but calls on my specific skill set. It also is building life into me in ways that are hard to explain. Imagine that a perk of your job was a highly skilled life coach, and that life coach was also your boss.

I continued my hobby in studying and researching nutrition-- Paleo, Keto, etc.-- and applying little to none of it. Why? I like pancakes, I guess. And pasta. And feeling like garbage, apparently. 

Full disclosure, I literally just went through and commented on my blog posts because it frustrated me a lot. Not frustrated at me now. Frustrated by how narrow my understanding of things was, and how darned hard I was on myself for not having willpower. You know what? I don't think there is such thing as willpower. I don't. There are a million factors nutritionally, physically, physiologically, emotionally, pychologically that go into food choices. Willpower is at best short, infrequent, unpredictable, unreliable, and subjective. It always runs out, and when it does, you fall on old understandings. 

So I'm at the beginning again, kind of. I'm knocking on 30 lbs lost since February through a way of eating that is based on the real needs of the body and the nutrition we are designed to thrive on. Bonus, the things that rob me of health? They actually taste kind of weird now that I've been off of them for a few months. They make me feel gross and sick, and I don't just avoid harmful foods out of sheer and non-existent willpower. I avoid them because of the harm I feel. 

And for the first time, each and every choice I make shows up on the scale. I have never been able to say that before.

I have posted some cool stuff on a group page, and I plan to re-post them here in time. 

Here's to taking care of myself in the ways that matter, and weightloss being a natural byproduct rather than the thing I punish myself to obtain.