Tired

I'm exhausted. Not just because it is well past my bed time, though that is also true. I'm tired from the many directions in which life pulls me, my heart pulls me, and my future pulls me. Between wanting to be home to make a home instead of work, and wanting to reconnect with friends instead of do homework, and wanting to travel the world instead of be responsible, my heart and mind are drowsy from the tug of war.

I'm also discouraged at times. I haven't written in a bit because I feel like a failure so often and I feel doubt wash over me like cold water. I've never known "thin." I worry in fleeting moments that I'm delusional. I worry I'm wasting my money on packaged food every month, just to end up staying the same.

But a small number of things are unwaveringly true: Jesus, my husband, and my family love me, and I will not quit this thing until I am a new person.

And I'm not the same, though I worry I'll never change. I have already changed! I can feel it within, and I can see it without. I have nurtured restraint, and this morning I noticed my arms looked surreally different. I noticed a change I can't describe. But I know God knew I needed the encouragement, and as I looked in the mirror I heard him gently whisper "look how well you are doing!" And point out to me how I've changed. 

But... Sticking with a diet is tiring! Self-control and self-denial are a battle EVERY TIME, but those lessons extend beyond dieting, don't they? Maybe through conquering this monster, I'll be stronger to fight other monsters in the future. Maybe God has always wanted to use this to bring me through it and have me changed internally by the struggle. 

I don't know. I don't. But I know I'm tired, and that despite it all I'll keep going.